The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
