I puked a lego.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
