trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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