one two three fourrrrnication!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
