I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
