tequila makes me forget i have legs
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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