I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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