how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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