I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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