Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
