I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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