I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
