i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
