it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Randomize
