We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
