Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
did i walk over a car last night?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
