I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize