i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
