I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
