coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Randomize
