We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
