how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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