My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
