you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
