He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize