I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
