About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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