Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
