He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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