just tell him i said nine months
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
