Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize