I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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