My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize