Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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