As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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