we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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