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we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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