i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
