im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I deserve this hangover.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
