im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
