At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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