I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize