Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
