I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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