Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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