True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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