The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize