My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Im part way to drunk.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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