he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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