How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
