My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
