it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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