Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
