I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
