I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Couch. On fire.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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