Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
