where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
