If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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