waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
