I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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