you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
