I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
pop tarts are not kleenex
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
